May has arrived, yay! But nothing much changed. We’ve been self quarantined since March 10th, and my daily routine is very… repetitive. But it’s okay, I don’t feel imprisoned as many people are expressing themselves. Yes, I do feel stuffed sometimes being all the time at home, but not even close to this my-house-is-a-cage thing. Actually, I feel safe at home. Every time I leave my apartment I so stressful, so many hygiene protocols to follow. Wearing masks. Not touching my face. Using gel alcohol compulsively, being afraid of elevators (because Covid-19 can be floating for almost 3 hours in the air on closed spaces!), all that comes with it. It’s a constant fear. So I feel really grateful that I’m able to be at home in times like these.
In two days I’ll reach 60 days of quarantine. A huge milestone. But it’s safe to say that we’re probably only in the middle of all the time we need to be at home. So I guess I’ll have to manage this eagerness somehow. During this period, many things have changed and made me think about the way I’ve been living. Since I’m unemployed (or in freelancing-mode lol) I’m more dedicated to house chores. And I’m cooking what I never cooked my whole life! I spend most of the day standing in my kitchen, cooking, doing dishes, and organizing my fridge. Oh, the fridge. The struggle. Mine is a tiny one, not tiny as a frigobar but definitely not suited to quarantine storage mode. I feel like playing Tetris all the time but not in a fun way.
Doing the laundry every two to three days. For the first time since moving outside my parent’s house, I don’t have piles of clothes accumulated in the laundry basket. It’s impressive, really.
Reading books. Now that’s something I’m still working on, because I made the mistake of choosing a dense book to read on my kindle. Also, I gotta say I’m in a love-hate relationship with my kindle. While I do appreciate technology being so simple to use to do this sort of activity, I like to start conversations with my books by highlighting them and even writing some considerations, and not being able to do that on kindle is just… Frustrating. But I’m on a mission of adapting myself, at least momentaneously, since I’ll be moving soon.
Or should I say not so soon? Ugh. Really, that’s the worst part of all this pandemic thing, regarding my personal and selfish situation. You see, I was preparing to move to Canada the next month when everything started to fall apart in February. All my plans, everything I’m putting my efforts on for the last 9 years… disappeared. I mean, I know that I’ll be able to do that, the problem is when I’ll be able to do that. I said soon earlier but the reality is that I don’t know and that’s driving me mad. Maybe this year, maybe next, I simply don’t know.
And now we go to the most difficult part of being quarantined: dealing with anxiety. Girl, gotta say: I do not wish this shit not even to my worst enemy, if I had one. I cannot sleep, and when I can, I wake up gasping, not being able to breathe. I cry most of the days. Weekends are the worst part, ironically. So, while I’m doing many things during this period, there are times that it’s just hard. Especially at night. My sleep cycle is a mess. There are days that I cannot sleep at all. Many dawns appreciated, many nights lost scrolling the internet. Afraid of the virus, worried about people out there. Brazil’s chaotic political situation, this current triple crisis that we are facing. It’s so bad, I just want to get out of here, but all countries are locked down without knowing when they will open the borders again.
Getting to the part that I use this blog to report how miserable I’m feeling most of the time, although I’m grateful for being able to be at home (because it can always be worse, right?). I don’t feel trapped at home, but my plans being interrupted, that’s the real cage. The uncertainty, the frustration, all combined with my anxiety disorder, you can guess the outcome.
What’s giving me soothing moments? My cats, especially Bijou, my youngest. You see, since most of my crisis come at night, she’s the one who makes me company, whether it is to give her food in small portions over the couch, or rubbing her back and head – and dealing with the impressive amount of fur she loses. She’s really lovely, meowing and trilling to me, with that big blue squinted eyes. She’s my little savior and I’m very fond of her and grateful to her.
And playing The Sims, watching Netflix, doing my nails, etc. I binge-watched The Last Kingdom’s season 4 and loved it! God I do love some long hair vikings haha…
I just hope that everything passes really fast…